I don't have a problem with most spiders (heck, I name most of them and sometimes even bring them flies and things during times of winter famine!), but this one held a grudge and set out to teach me a lesson...or terminate me altogether. I always make a deal with my leggy friends and tell them they can stay if I don't see them. I'm all for symbiosis...but this guy was a masochist, so I tried to kill him last night. I missed. He disappeared. I ended up with a spider bite this morning (I react to them horribly!) and so when I saw him tonight said, "Fine. I'll make a deal. You go away now and I won't kill you." He didn't. In fact, he started crawling closer, defiant little arsehole. He was out for blood...again. So...I took another book to hit him with. Friggin' missed because the MoFo launched himself at me. Seriously. From the ceiling, I swear he JUMPED down to get close to me versus crawl away like most sensible spiders would do. (Is there spider rabies?!) Lost him on the carpet and then saw him running and chased his butt into a box/squished it around and decided to give up after a few minutes of not seeing him again. Thought maybe we were done, but Nope. As I am watching my movie on Roku Channel (Assassins, ironically enough!) who do I catch out of the corner of my eye? THIS MOFO! Here he is, crawling towards me on the ceiling, (only 45min later), heading DIRECTLY over my bed. It's a huge room, but he knew EXACTLY where he was going. I saw his racing shadow with the TV on and this time, take out my phone and ask him if he has any last words, as I stand at the end of my bed. He was momentarily confused and stopped, waiting for movement to find me again. He was on a mission of nefarious revenge and this wasn't going to end well for one of us. I laughed. He spins around and starts crawling TOWARDS me again. Ambitious bugger, I'll give him that, but I've no intention of becoming SpiderWoman. So, I grab the first book out of the nearest box - a Harry Potter book (of all books, right?!) - so this time I go slow and aim carefully. My intention was spidercide versus another scare tactic. He stops. Like suddenly realizing his Beanstalk adversary was no fool and this just may have become a suicide mission. I look at him calmly, the book now a few mere inches from him, and say, "Evanesco!" (Vanishing spell from HP)...and the book hits its mark with a satisfying crunch and crinkle. Now, like Vlad the Impaler would do with his victims, I am leaving his corpse to reside on the cover for a bit for any other spidey watchers to beware (until I can cleanse him off in the morning anyway)...
Darwinism.
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Julie WestphalAuthor, Poet, Dreamer Archives
February 2024
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